Things that happened to me today:
Today I had a test done at the hospital to determine why my stomach sucks (Spoiler Alert: There is probably nothing wrong with me… usually it is determined that I am just a giant wuss.) ANYWAYS, my appointment was at 8:00 so I arrived at 7:35. (Go me.)
The first thing that happens is that they want to give me a pregnancy test. “Hospital Policy” they tell me. “Bill my insurance” I tell them. The only issue? They made me stop drinking fluids last night! HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO PEE!? If nothing goes in… ain’t nothing coming out. THAT’S LIKE A BASIC LAW OF PHYSICS!
Angry, disgusted, and very NOT pregnant, I reluctantly peed to the best of my abilities in the stupid cup.
Stupid stupid cup.
They take me back into my test and I am all “So does this mean I am not pregnant?” And the nurse laughed.
OK?
They go to INJECT a radioactive isotope into my arm and of course, I get dizzy. I tell the woman injecting me, and she tells me to “Calm down.” IF I COULD TELL MY BODY NOT TO FAINT I WOULD HAVE AVOIDED HUGE EMBARASSMENT IN MY FRIENDS KITCHEN IN 2006, MY DOCTORS OFFICES LIKE ALL THE TIME, AND ON A FEW MISSION TRIPS! AS IT HAPPENS I CANNOT CONTROL THIS. DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN. I ask her to get me something cold to put on my neck and or wrists. She leaves the room. I faint.
THIS IS MY LIFE PEOPLE.
I regain consciousness in an empty room. Again. Thanks a lot. Sorry I wasn’t CALM enough for you. They take me into the test (because apparently slimly beating death was not the test.) I say to the guy, “So I am doing this… that must mean I am not pregnant huh?” And HE laughs.
THE FEAST OF THE IMMACULATE CONCEPTION IS A WEEK FROM NOW PEOPLE, I NEED SOMEONE TO ANSWER THE DAMN QUESTION! WHY WON’T YOU ANSWER THE QUESTION?**
**A medically inclined friend later told me that if I was pregnant (miraculous or not) I wouldn’t have gotten the test done. I wasn’t worried at all. I had just studied for the test so hard. I wanted my results!
Two and a half hours later, I emerged from this test. Sweaty, non pregnant, and pissed off, I went to my mother (who never was told what happened to me) and we went home.
Also to happen to me today (in case this excitement was not enough for you)
- -I tried peanut brittle for the first time (yummy!)
- -I had pancakes for breakfast (also yummy)
- -My dog stayed clean for24 hours straight
- -My coworker called me B-Dawg (new street name?!)
- -I drank a 33.8 oz bottle of Smartwater and felt 0% smarter but can now pee enough for 2,000 pregnancy tests.
Anybody else have a weirdly exciting day today? Tell me about it in the comments!